The Last Conversation

Originally posted by me as dakotaismyson March 15, 2020

Preface: I am one of those who believe if I write something down it either imprints (if I’m learning) or that I am letting go of info because I’m trusting it to an “external” memory. I’m writing this with both hopes of the latter but also because memories erode with time. I’ve said before, being the last person Dakota ever spoke to is both blessing and curse; I have no idea if I want to hold on to this specific memory for life or if I wish I could write it away.

As I’ve mentioned before, Jess woke me in utter hysterics at 11:50 pm on the February 19th. My body was immediately awake, my head not so much. I jumped out of bed and grabbed my phone and dialed… Jess’s number. She was still hysterical and I couldnt think! “JESS!” I yelled, “is he (his last 4 digits) or (her last 4)?!” Their numbers are only 1 digit different. She told me. I dialed. On the 4th or 5th ring, he answered. The following is the bulk of the conversation that followed, I’m sure I missed repetitive moments, because there were a few.

Me: “Bubba, what’s going on? Jess said you aren’t here?”

Him: “I’m not.”

Me: “Where are you? What’s going on?” I tried to grab a pair of sweats at this point and realized I grabbed 2 sweatshirt. I threw a shirt down and hubby handed me sweatpants.

Him: “I wish you hadn’t called.”

Me: “What do you mean? Why wouldn’t you want me to call? I’m your mom, you should always be ok with me calling,” I said, now finishing putting on the sweats and walking downstairs.

Him: “it makes this harder.”

Me: “makes what harder?” [Silence] “Bubba, tell me where you are.” Now I was walking down to the garage to get in my car.

Him: “mmm no.”

I started my car, the garage door was opening, and I said, “what do you mean ‘no’? Bubba, I’m on my way, just tell me where you are.” I started hauling butt down the driveway, completely forgetting to close the garage door and not even thinking that I was leaving my husband and daughter at home. There was nothing but silence for almost a mile. “Bubba, I’m at the highway, do I go left or right?” [Silence] “BUBBA, left or right?”

Him: “left.”

I turned. “Bubba… what’s going on?”

Him: “I just don’t want to do this anymore.”

Me: “why would you say that?” [Silence] “Bubba, please tell me why you would think this is an option?”

Him: “I’m a failure.”

Me: “What? You’re just now 27! Why would you possibly think you are a failure?” (Phone buzzes and shows a text from Jess saying the newly ex girlfriend wanted to talk to me.)

Him: “I’m 27 and I’ve never had a stable job or girlfriend… and I don’t have a family.”

Me: “Bubba, that’s horse****. You’ve never been a job hopper and before this girl, you were in a 3 year relationship! And you have us! So that isn’t true!”

Him: “yes it is.”

Me: “no bubba. You cant think like that. Is it her? This place? We can move! Start over fresh! Oe maybe you could try your dads, if you think that would help! Bubba, you promised me this would never be an option… do you remember that?”

Him: “Yes… I remember. [Pause] I’m sorry.”

Me: “Don’t be sorry, Bubba… but don’t do this! Moms need their kids.”

Him: “I’m sorry. Can I call you right back? Someone’s calling.”

Me: “promise?”

Him: “yes”

He hung up and I called Dakota’s ex. When she answered I yelled, “What is happening?!” She told me they had an argument and broke up for good earlier. I yelled at her to tell me where my son was and she said all she knew was he was near [the main hospital downtown] but by an exercise facility. I wracked my brain trying to pinpoint where that could be. Regardless, that is normally an hour drive from our house… and Dakota sounded like he was already stationary when I spoke to him. My phone buzzed as Dakota was calling me back, so I hung up on the ex and answered his call.

Me: “Bubba… please tell me where you are… I’m on my way… I’m coming, but I need you to tell me where you are.”

Him: “No”

Me: “None of this makes sense! You promised me… and now you wont tell me where you even are! I love you, you know that, right?”

Him: “I know… and I love you, too… but the love of family isn’t always enough.”

Me: “But it is, Bubba! It’s always family and you promised me you’d never do this. Please don’t do this, Bubba.” [Silence] “I’m trying to get downtown as fast as I can… I’m passing the dam exit now… just tell me where I’m going, and I’ll be there.”

Him: “I need to put you on hold for a second, ok?” [Long pause] I should add here that having him on the phone this much, for this long made me have hope. Hope that I was getting through. Hope that I was winning against that argument in his head. I mean, he had never done anything like this before! I saw him 2 hours before and he was smiling! I had to win this battle and I just knew I was!

Him: “I’m here.”

Me: “why in the world would you put me on hold at a time like this?”

Him: “I had to make a call to 911.”

Me: “what?! Why?”

Him: “to tell them where to find me.”

Me: “Bubba, you need to tell ME where to find you!”

Him: “just go to [main hospital]. Its where I’ll be.”

Me: “Bubba please, please don’t do this to me… I can’t live without you. It will kill me.”

Him: “No, you’ll be ok. Well, maybe not ok, but you’ll be fine. You’re resilient. I wish I got more of that.”

Me: “Bubba please please don’t do this. No matter what you said or think, I can’t survive without you! You promised me!”

Him: “I know… and I’m sorry.” [And the line went dead at 12:23 a.m. on the early morning of February 20th.] I was 15 minutes from the hospital.

I called him back. No answer. I called my dad twice in a row and he answered on the 2nd set of rings. In hysterics I told him my son was about to commit suicide and to call him. Then I called 911. I explained who I was and that my son had called them a few minutes prior and I was trying to get to my son but didn't know where to go but hoped they did. I told her that he told me to go to the hospital. She told me i should just go there. I yelled asking if my son was there, if they have him and he’s ok. She said, “multiple units were dispatched and in route.” I told her I was, too, and at a high rate of speed and which highway and that I wasn't pulling over for anyone. She told me she understood and I hung up. I was 5 minutes from the hospital. I had made the 60 minute drive in about 40 minutes and it still wasn’t fast enough to save my son’s life.

I called hubby… told him where I was going and that I would call back.

I got to the ER area and across the street from the hospital at a parking garage entrance there were 6 police cars. I pulled into the ER ambulance pull through, jumped out, and started asking officers if they had my son. In a matter of moments I had one assigned to me and they took my license and asked me a bunch of questions. A firetruck pulled in. Then an ambulance pulled across the street.

No one would talk to me, much less give me answers. My dad called and I told him what I was seeing, he said he and mom were on the way. I called hubby and told him what I was seeing, and that they needed to come my way. I called dad back and as I was talking to him the ambulance started across the street. I ran toward where it was going and told dad I’d have to call back and hung up.

The back of the ambulance opened and my beautiful son was on a gurney with a CPR bag on his face. An EMT was using a pen light to check pupil dilation. Another was doing chest compressions.

I dropped my phone to the ground and started bawling as police kept me from moving closer as they wheeled my son--my beautiful, amazing, handsome son who had smiled at me in laughter less than 2 hours prior--past me and into the ER.