7 Hours of Sleep

Originally posted by me as dakotaismyson February 26, 2020

Last night was the first time I got more than a couple of hours of uninterrupted sleep. I’d just love to say I feel “better” but honestly I think my body just had to shut down. My heart still hurts. It’s ironic how heartbreak actually causes a physical pain in the heart area. I finished the eulogy yesterday. Jess read it too, so she can be my back-up if I can’t handle it. It’s better. Nothing will ever meet my expectations, so I suppose it will do.

I’m not sure if I’m ready yet, but I thought I would try to write a bit about Dakota in life. So far this blog has been dealing with his suicide – dealing with my loss. I’ve had to field questions from friends and family on “why” but there’s no answers. My dad asked me (sort of) to check and see if Dakota had communications with something called blue whale. Apparently it’s a suicide pact kind of group (I didnt do any research, just from what he insinuated). There was nothing… I think dad was looking for answers but, as I said, there are none because answers we get cause more questions. My husband has been through this before (his dad) so he has been such a rock for my daughter and I.

Dakota was so many things, but above all he had compassion and a drive to help others. He wanted to care for every stray – animal and human. Even the means which he planned his death were to maximize the ability for his organs and tissues to help others. Ironic, that.

I can’t do any more today. I’ll try better tomorrow. I would have given my life willingly to allow my son (or my daughter) to live a long, healthy, happy life.