A Letter to My Son

Originally posted by me as dakotaismyson March 1, 2020

My dearest Dakota,

Today was, again, one of the hardest days of my life. I look back and consider all of those “really bad” days I thought I had… but those all pale in comparison to the last 9 days. Today was your memorial. The family was there as were your friends that have been part of our family for years. Many people spoke. Uncle Bubba made everyone laugh with a memory about one of your fishing tourneys. It tore me up to see your uncle and your pawpaw cry. The men in my life – you, my brother, my dad – were always the ones there for me when my world was falling apart. Nana, too. Pawpaw said that you have left MP with that responsibility now… and pawpaw said you chose well. I think you would have approved.

I was able to speak. I have no idea if you were there or could witness the event… but I was honest with my words. My heart will never be whole again. I wish you understood the love the people in that room hold for you. How you touched our lives so deeply.

I’ve decided to write a personal thank you to the ER doctor that managed to get your heart beating. While you weren’t ever really alive those 71 hours in the hospital, it did give the family time to come see you… to attempt to find some closure… to hold your hand, to kiss your forehead… to tell you they love you. Those moments… he saved you for us (and for the people whose lives you will save with organ donation).

Speaking of organ donation, apparently I have an opportunity to meet those people at some point in the future if I so choose. I haven’t decided if I can do that yet. There will be a huge part of me that wants to tell them that I’m sure they are great folks, but I would rather have my son back than tell them not to waste the life you gave for them. You wouldn’t condone that at all, and I know it… but sometimes I don’t know if you understand how deeply scarred this will leave me. I’m trying, Bubba… I’m trying so hard to be the kind of person you think I am. I can’t begin to tell you what this hell is like for me. I miss you so very, very much.

All my heart and soul,

Mom