Broken

Originally posted by me as dakotaismyson March 3, 2020

I had to go back to work today. I took a picture of Dakota for my desk. I avoided eye contact. Anyone who looked as if they were diverting to intercept with a hug or kind word, I rushed past. It almost helped. I only cried about 5 times, broke down once.

I had sent an email after lunch to the entire division, thanking them all for their kindness (not only did they bring groceries once, but full dinners three times AND a gift card today so I didnt have to worry about cooking for a month). At 4:40 I saw an email response to my general thanks from a woman in my division whom I dont even know. She told me that she, too, lost a child (though not the same circumstance). She warned me that I will never really heal… never be ok… I’ll just learn to cope and survive. I immediately replied to her that I appreciated her email because I understood. This isn’t some flesh wound… it’s a full amputation. No matter how long you live with one of your arms removed, it never grows back. Sure, you learn to type one handed or drive one handed… but that never ever means you “get over” not having your other arm. I told Jess (my daughter) that same thing and cried as I pointed at her and said she’s the only arm I have now. I also told hubby that it’s different when it’s your child. That the relationship makes it a slightly different emotion as well as the relationship quality.

When I look at it like that, it helps me understand that most people won’t have any idea what I’m going through. Sadly, far too many people still do. I told Jess, who told me it bothers her when people say “in time…” comments, that they are trying to console and we should hear them for what they are trying to say rather than the words they select. Odds are they don't know what we are going through and she and I are glad for that… but words are clumsy things and people are well known for mishandling them. The sentiment is to try and comfort, and we just have to forgive people and appreciate what they mean.