Cleaning

Originally posted by me as dakotaismyson February 24, 2020

Dakota’s wishes were to be cremated after organ donation. Today I have to go make those arrangements. Some family (his dad and grandma on his dad’s side) wanted a memento to remember him by. Something close to him. His long time best friend wanted a box of their notes if I came across them (I have also pulled out and set aside shirts that I call Mag shirts because they are like the ones the two of them used to swap together). Of course to find these things, I had to go into his room.

I think I was doing my best to ignore that I had to do that since it was 8 pm before I finally walked into his room. He had a ton of clean laundry strewn on his bed (and his room was a wreck as always)… so I ended up taking a few hours to accomplish the task I had. It was the first time I was upset that all of his laundry was clean. I only found 2 shirts that weren’t clean and retained his smell. I set those aside for me. His dad won’t understand the main token I found for him… Dakota’s D&D figurine. It’s this small (maybe an inch or two tall) cat-man piece that Dakota hand painted. When he played D&D it represented HIM in the game. It is literally this little thing that my son chose to be him in miniature. To me it is a huge sacrifice to part with… but, other than clothes and figurines of anime, Dakota did not have tons of things that qualify. His grandma will get a blanket that he slept with. My mom is getting one of his favorite coats. My dad, some ties and something I haven’t decided on yet. I also had to pick out pictures for the memorial service and send them to print. I only broke a few times… most of the time I am still hollow.

I realized that, even being devastated, I have yet to break. Dakota was an adult and he both worked and had a social life, so he was gone from home often. I’m used to him being gone – either working or at the gym or hanging with his friends or “her”. Long story short, I don’t think it’s really hit me yet which terrifies me. One day it’s going to crash home that he is gone.

I’m trying to decide if I can speak at his memorial service. I doubt I will be able to say anything but I so badly want to. I guess I’ll decide that later.

I’m still not eating or sleeping well. I’m averaging a pound a day in lost weight and my sleep aid pills last night only afforded me 6 (broken up) hours of sleep (almost as much as the cumulative amount I had for the 4 days prior).

Moms shouldn’t ever have to bury their children.