Cyclic Conversations

Originally posted by me as dakotaismyson March 2, 2020

I think I’m locked up inside my own head. I realized I was saying the same things (or variations of those same things) to everyone. At some point I realized I was doing that and understood it likely frustrates them a bit because they have to give me the same answers. “I miss my son” (I know you do). “I wish this hadn’t happened” (I know, me either). “My son is never coming home” (no… I’m sorry, he’s not). It cant be easy to have to tell me those things over and over so at some point this morning I stopped saying it out loud. Now I’m having those same cyclic conversations in my own head.

I found out today that life insurance has a suicide clause. So all these suicide survivors like me going through all the same hell get another blow when they find out their life and their finances just went to hell. How much is one person supposed to be able to handle? How much am I supposed to be able to handle? Blow by blow, life just keeps taking hits at me. Not to sidetrack but this week we also found out our main water line is busted… so we need over 400 feet of new line to the tune of $3000. So yah… I dont know how much one mom can handle.

I have to leave my daughter alone tomorrow. I have to go back to work and pretend I’m ok. I dont know which scares me worse right now. I’ll have hubby at work, which is good because Dakota also worked there and I’m assuming someone will say words they believe are spoken to comfort me and actually have the opposite effect. People will want to hug me and I’ll have so many layers of emotional armor on that I can’t allow that. I’m having a very hard time coping… I just keep waiting on my son to come home. I know that sounds stupid. After what I’ve been through over the last 10 days I more than anyone should understand reality. But what the mind understands and the heart accepts are apparently not the same.