Days I Dread

Originally posted by me as dakotaismyson February 28, 2020

Tomorrow is the memorial service. I have flowers that have been delivered that we need to take, pictures (one an 11×17 canvas), Mag’s shirts, one shirt for Roo, and I bought us all matching My Hero Academia tshirts so we match. Tomorrow I bring my son home… but he will be in a box. I will sit and hold my boy’s remains in a box. I had to have my 16 year old pup put to sleep a couple of years ago, she was also cremated… and holding my dog on my lap in her container tore me apart. I used to joke that if you made me choose between my dogs and my family that my dogs and I would miss everyone a lot as we drove off into the sunset.

I lied.

I think even scarier is Monday. On Monday the entire world expects me to join it again. Work expects me back. My family expects me to start my routine again. Everyone – Dakota included – expects me to put on some brave face and enter the world of the living. Without my son. I have to reenter life knowing that my son never will. I dont know if I can ever express the gravity of what that means in my heart. I am terrified. I don’t want to. That act means that I officially and formally leave my son in the past. Moms aren’t supposed to walk away from their kids. How can everyone expect me to do this and survive?

My last photo with and of my son.. me holding his hand in ICU the day he died.