Finding the Right Words

Originally posted by me as dakotaismyson February 25, 2020

Yesterday was a different kind of challenge. I had to make “arrangements”. It’s such a weird word to describe everything I had to do. My entire family was again present for support and Dakota’s dad again drove all the way down from central Ohio with his wife to be there. It’s been weird having him around so much – I haven’t so much as set eyes on him since Dakota’s graduation from Navy boot camp. It was good that he was there, though, because the death certificate needed completion with information you give during this period – and part of that info was about his dad. In addition to that, we set up the time for the private family service and selected an urn. I actually selected 3… one is the ‘main’ urn that will be interred and then there’s 2 smaller ones that have beautiful words and a photo slot that carry only a small portion of his cremains. One is for me, one is for his dad. They asked if I wanted any custom words on those and while his dad was ok with the default wording, I had them add a simple phrase to mine:

“I love you. That is all, carry on.”

It was a text – IS a text, rather – that I send to my kids randomly. I have actually sent it to Dakota once since he died. It is a simple phrase that meant they didn’t have to feel obligated to text back, I just wanted them to know I was there and love them. After we left the funeral home it was time to pick up some photos I had printed, including a wonderful 11×17 canvas I had blown up from an image taken of Dakota during my wedding. His dad also gave me a thumb drive full of photos he had – some of them are amazing. I have to go through all of the photos I now have and select 40-50 to add to a CD that they will provide and also play on loop during the memorial service.

I asked Mag, the best friend, if she was willing to speak at the service. She was (is) worried that she won’t be able to do it, but she agreed. She sent me a draft of what she wrote and she did – as I knew she would – a fantastic job. I’m still trying to decide if I can speak during that service. I also provided his father the option – but he is still undecided. I don’t know if I can, but I very badly want to. I feel that it’s somehow important to stand there in front of our family and in front of his cremains and just say out loud what that kid meant to me… getting through that without breaking though, that may be a hurdle.

Then there were the phone calls. Calls to his work, his bank, his credit cards, PayPal, auto insurance (the bill was due), and more. At one point I had this random idea that I should log into his Facebook and post to his friends. Like I’ve mentioned, my son and I are close and always have been, so breaking into anything of his that has a password isn’t difficult for me.

In addition to all that, last night I had to write an obituary. I was worried the right words wouldn’t come. How do you sum up the bulk of a person’s life in so few words? I did my best. After the services, maybe I can post it here… we’ll see. After I finished it, I asked my husband and my daughter to give it a read and they both said “You did good”. I think I did ok, too. One of the hardest things I’ve had to write… and so many times obituaries for suicide victims imply but never say why someone died. Why are we so ashamed as a society to admit this? I have never been ashamed of my son and while his decision is killing me inside and I don’t agree with what he did, I can’t change it. The world “not talking about it” isn’t helping! In the end, I opted to close the obituary with a plea for people to, in lieu of flowers, make a donation in Dakota’s name to a suicide prevention organization in hopes that his legacy will provide a positive change in this callous world.