Is This How Insanity Starts?

Originally posted by me as dakotaismyson March 4, 2020

Hubby insinuated before that he felt my continual texting to Dakota was a bad idea. In my head, it was/is an outlet to tell him I miss him, etc. Today I was having what can only be described as A Bad Day at work. At 9:40 a.m. I texted Dakota that today sucked already. Only a couple of minutes later, my phone buzzed indicating a text.

My heart leapt. For the briefest hint of a moment in time, not even long enough to put a coherent thought to, my heart betrayed every ounce of logic and intellect I have.

Just as quickly, my brain intercepted and immediately I was furious with myself. Not upset. Not angry. FURIOUS. What the HECK?! Am I stupid? Trying to destroy myself? WHAT. THE. HECK?!

To no one’s great surprise, my day progressed in a downward fashion. As if trying to overcompensate for the stupid and destructive moment, my heart decided now was a good time to remind me my son wouldn’t ever text. Ever. And my brain, in obvious cahoots, kept bringing up difficult words like “dead” and “died”. Not the easier to handle more palatable words like “passed” and “gone”. In time, my mind made it a cycle… everything I did, my son would never do again; he wouldn’t go to lunch, he wouldnt walk to his car, check his phone, go to the restroom… rinse and repeat for every tiny action I did.

But seriously WHAT THE HECK?! I cant explain to myself what the heck happened this morning. I sure as crap can’t talk to someone because I feel like it was a singular legitimately insane moment. “Hi, I’m Dakota’s mom and today for a nanosecond I was just sure my dead son sent me a text. ‘Why?’ you ask… well, because I obviously lost my grip on reality for a sec there.” Is that true? Is that what happened?! I don’t even know! And what does it mean when I tell myself, “well, if I decide to stop texting him, I need to at least text him and let him know.”

Was I deluding myself by using the gentle words like “gone”? Am I helping myself using the harsh words? I cant write any more today. Today, this isn’t helping my mind.