Laughter Lives

Originally posted by me as dakotaismyson March 13, 2020

Today the daughter and I were chatting after our work day and, during the course of our conversation, laughter occurred. I had mentioned once that laughter left me with a feeling of guilt (like wearing yellow when I’m still mourning) but laughter with my daughter was ok somehow. It was normal. We both laughed and shared in the joy of it. She even mentioned she didnt think she had really laughed since Dakota died.

We have a lot to talk about because his death coincides with all the covid-19 news. The biologist in me (that’s where my heart and education is) absorbs news with all this epidemiology and virology.

It has been a good distraction for my otherwise consumed mind.

I got the funeral bill today and managed to read through it “professionally”. Death cert is still a looming, ominous, scary thing. My love for my son is equally proportionate to my feeling of loss, which I think I may have mentioned… and I’m still scared of the day I realize the depth of “gone forever”. There are times – all day today is an example – where I just feel like he’s “out with friends” or visiting his dad in Ohio. My dad would say it’s because those feelings are normal… these little lies my heart tells me and I so readily reach out for.

Maybe I’m just not ready for reality yet? With all the bad days I’ve had… what is that going to be like? What will it do to me? I’m so scared because I also don’t want to let go and understand “forever”. He’s my Dakota. My boy. How does one let go of their son? I wonder what sage advice the kiddo would have for me?

I miss my son.