Worries Abound

Originally posted by me as dakotaismyson March 4, 2020

Today Jess was slated to start back to work. She made it a total sum of one hour before she broke and had to come home. I offered to come home as well, but she told me she would be ok, just needed some time. I trusted her to make that decision but told her I’d head home the moment she needed me, as long as she would tell me.

After I got home, I sat on the sofa with her and asked her what happened. Essentially, it was just a little too much for her to take. Over the next hour I said a lot of things that can mostly be summarized into 2 topics:

1. I don't mean to hover but when a person unexpectedly loses an arm, they sure are careful and overly protective of their remaining arm.

   
   

2. I’m absolutely terrified and have no idea what I’m supposed to do or say… I just hope she knows I’m there with and for her.

I think part of it is that Dakota was the logical, mellow, even-keeled one of our kids (including my niece in that). Jess has always had her act together with money, but she and my niece have always been more emotionally driven. Knowing that, and reading that suicide can cause other thoughts like that in surviving friends and family… well, that’s super scary for me right now. I’ve never been a June Cleaver kind of mom, but I have always been fiercely protective of my kids, my parents, my pets, and my spouse. So if something like this can happen to my mellow son…… how am I supposed to react?

So many people have been focused on me… and not without reason (moms shouldn’t have to bury their children… it’s not the way of things especially in this era). …but what about everyone else? My daughter lost her brother. My parents lost a grandchild. My brother lost a nephew and fishing partner. I’m certain we are all beating ourselves up, even if we know we shouldn’t. I have literally questioned every single life decision I’ve made since 1992 and wondered if I made the wrong one.

But what does that help or change? Nothing.

Its amazingly hard to accept that my son suffered through depression nearly alone (Mag apparently had some insight on it but she was also mostly in the dark). But the rest of us… no clue. How can depression be that profound and we – the people who know him best – didn’t know? Well, obviously he didn’t want us to know. He likely thought he was protecting us. I’m sure other people think the same thing. Not one of us would choose that ‘protection’ over letting us in. The pain associated with the loss is far, FAR greater than any pain that we could have suffered handling his burden along with him.

Talk to people you love. They need to feel that this stigmatized topic is SAFE for them to bring to you. And it has to BE safe for them. No blowing it off or thinking it’s a passing phase… we need safe people to confide in.

…and for the love of dogs, be kind. You never know what your kind words or actions may mean to someone else. Words are so powerful… as my dad said before. “The wrong words spoken by just the right person can destroy someone.” Sure, words are clumsy and people mishandle them… but we must take care and caution with everyone… but most especially with people who care about us.